Preparing to become queen

I have decided that becoming Queen of the Universe is a desirable position. I have to admit, I was on the fence for a couple of days, but I've decided, I am good with this.

I redid my pedicure, and spent a little time with the Ped Egg. Ever see one of these things? It's frightening. It's a bunch of little razors on a plastic base with a flimsy plastic handle. I'm pretty sure you've got to have a license to carry this thing concealed, but I found it on the couch, in plain view, so I decided not to turn my mother in. Hey, I'm the Queen of the Universe, folks. I saw this as my first unofficial "pardon." I'll be granting more, I'm sure, because I am big on second chances. I'll list a PO Box to where you can send your pardon requests. I'll accept most to the PO Box, unless you're Michael Vick. Mike, you have to ask in person, so I can kick you in the gonads right before I say, "NO!" Seriously, man, you're a piece of crap, and now that I'm the Queen of the Universe, if you see me in WalMart, you better be ducking behind the Little Debbie rack. As Queen, I can carry concealed, and a good whack upside the head with this vicious Ped Egg thing will seriously alter your perspective.

Moving on......

Anyhow, back to the pedicure. Let's face it, gals, the Queen of the Universe cannot be out in public with scraggly winter feet. You know what they look like. Heels you could sand furniture with, long nails, and a smidgen of last summer's pedicure remaining, but only on the big toes. This is gross. Take care of your feet. You have to stand on them, unless you're Queen of the Universe, and then you're sitting on a throne most of the time, but when I'm wearing the royal flip flops, I want to look amazing.

Now, as Queen of the Universe, I am pretty rattled about things. First of all, the apocalypse. Did you check with me before you decided the world would end tomorrow, because I do NOT remember seeing that in my Inbox. Well, did you?

The world is NOT ending tomorrow, folks. All chocolate you eat today will end up on your ass by June, and June will come, so snack with caution.

Besides, I have plans. I am attending karaoke with my Knights of the Round Table, a great group of folks with whom I'd like to spend my last hours, if the world were ending during tomorrow evening's outing, which it is not. I did not approve this apocalypse, therefore it isn't happening. You can continue to plaster it all over Facebook because you have the right to free speech, and I am not planning to mess with your rights, unless you're that idiot who was screaming at me for no reason in the WalMart parking lot in March. You are having your mouth duct taped, because nothing good comes out of it.

Moving on....

Soon, I will posting my own rules for those of you who want to live in my Universe. For those of you who want to live elsewhere, I have no idea what to say to you. If you believe you have this option, excellent.

For now, I must deal with something that makes me most disturbed. Although I am Queen of the Universe, and I have royal status, my economic status does not change, because (perhaps I failed to mention this,) with the state of economic affairs world wide, the Queen of the Universe position is a volunteer position, at least for now. It pays by sweat equity, which is excellent for me, since I am having hot flashes by the hundreds. If I'm building "sweat equity" I should be rich as hell in no time.

That aside, I must focus on the present, and with that, comes a most immediate issue to be dealt with. This Egyptian debt that has been forgiven. I have a problem with this. No one asked me if this was okay, and frankly, it's not. Now, I have to say, Egypt, your worship of felines is spectacular, and I'm not as up on modern Egyptian stuff as I should be, so maybe you're not about this feline worship anymore, but if you are...., outstanding! We treat our animals like shit in America, so keep up the good work!

Incidentally, I will be blogging about the new punishments for cruelty to animals under my Queen of the Universe rules soon. If you want to beat a puppy, or drown a kitten, think twice. I am everywhere. I see your indiscretions by remote viewing, and I know what you've done.

I digress.

Back to the topic of this debt.

Feline worship aside, I still have an issue with this. And, given that I am an unpaid servant of the Universe at present, I'd like to know if my 1999 karaoke rendition of "Walk Like an Egyptian" qualifies me to have my debt forgiven. Well, does it? I have a monster mortgage on a pyramid I cannot currently occupy, and I'd love to have it written off.

All right, my Inbox is filling up with pardon requests, although this Bernie Madoff one is going in the shredder. Seriously, Bern?

Back soon.......