So, folks, I have blogged about being Queen of the Universe, about my most efficient banana-split-making skills, but I've yet to speak of my ultimate quest.
As queen, I have a limited following, because obviously, word hasn't gotten out yet. If people knew I was queen, I'd have a virtual shitload of followers, and people would be tweeting about me constantly, and that would rock, although I wouldn't know, because, although I have an IQ of 156, I cannot figure out the mechanics of Twitter!
I digress.
Now, once word gets out that I'm queen, let's face it, I can't be going to the grocery store in my Winnie the Pooh pajamas anymore. Be honest, would you curtsy to someone in Winnie the Pooh pajamas?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
I'll have to have a "Queen-like" appearance at all times, which could be a real issue for me, but that's okay. I figure it's gonna be a while before this whole Queen thing sticks, so in the meantime, I need to stay focused on the most massive of quests.
How do I get thousands of people to buy my book, when no one knows about it, and I have so few loyal subjects?
That, my minions, is my ultimate quest.
As you know, the royal palace is severely damaged, and at this time, your queen is living with the queen mother, which is another "real issue" for me. Now, our digs aren't like Buckingham Palace, they're like US suburbia. The queen mother doesn't have her own wing. She's perched on the queen mother couch, clutching the remote as if it holds the key to every unanswered question in the Universe.
Maybe it does.
So, I am faced with the problem of how to fix the royal palace, as the position of Queen of the Universe is, at present, a volunteer position.
SELL MORE BOOKS!
And, yes, my loyal, royal followers, I know this sounds like a pop-up, a 2:00 AM infomercial, or part of the Nigerian Uncle scam, but that is the answer to my royal dilemma.
Holy, royal shit!
Did I fail to mention that the Queen of the Universe is a published author?
I am.
Most of you know that, so I am not telling you anything new, but every once in a while I love that rush of saying it out loud, putting it on paper, or seeing it magically appear on the screen in front of me.
You see, it reminds me of last year when I first said the words, before I knew that being a published author, and fourteen quarters would buy you a latte.
If you don't have a lot of royal subjects lining up to buy your books, being a published author isn't really all that big a deal in the industry. In my head, it's a big deal.
In the real world, not so much.
So, I MUST find a way to SELL MORE BOOKS.
This way, if the royal palace cannot be saved, we'll have a royal bonfire with the existing house (controlled by the local fire department, of course), and put in a royal Doublewide.
Yes, my friends, it's a new day and the thing that country songs are made from.....
Some queens live in Doublewides.
So, I must remain true to my quest and find a way to raise funds to repair the royal palace, and the best idea, thus far, is SELL MORE BOOKS.
There was another idea, but it didn't work, and no, I won't leave you hanging....
Of course I'll tell you what it was.
I had a bruise, in which, you could see the face of Jesus.
Now, I know, this sounds like royal bullshit, and I understand, since I am queen, why you'd feel this way.
Honest to God, I saw the face, but the bruise faded before I could find a way to sell it on Ebay.
Bummer.......
So, selling the bruise with the face of Jesus, is out!
MUST SELL MORE BOOKS.
Please support your queen and recommend The House of Roses, by yours truly, Queen of the Universe, aka Cat, aka Cathy, aka "hey, you forgot to shut the refrigerator," pen name...... Holden Robinson.
I bow to you.......
No comments:
Post a Comment